He stared blankly at the bathtub. Splotches of color surfaced, parting the thick film of bubbles. Most of the ties floated, but a few sank to the bottom. Tabitha stared at the tub, too, and wondered why that happened. Maybe those ties required special cleaning. She probably should have washed those ones by hand.

     Her daddy's face moved from the ties to the little girl and a wave of anger swept across it. His cheeks darkened, his eyes widened, and the blue vein on the right side of his forehead bulged. That vein was always a bad sign.

     "What the hell did you do?"

     A lump formed in Tabitha's throat. This was not the reaction she was expecting. Her heart began to race and she tried to stammer a response. Her mommy entered the bathroom and took in the scene.

     "I said, what the HELL did you do?"

     His cheeks burned even redder and the vein looked like it was about to explode. Tabitha darted around her mommy, out of the bathroom, and down the hallway, dark hair escaping the ponytail that flopped furiously as she ran. A few strands stuck to her stained wet cheeks and she was breathing fast. He was mad, there was no doubt about that.

     She reached her room and shut the door quickly, quietly, after her and then dove behind the bed. Her back pushed hard against the cold metal frame and she sat on the side farther from the door, clutching the big stuffed bear, the one whose white fur had grown yellowish and was matted between the ears. The floor beneath her shook as the thunder from down the hall continued. The little girl tucked her head between her knees and prayed that her mommy would calm him down. She rocked herself slowly, the bear's soft fur tickling her neck. She stayed silent, breathless. She waited.

     Baby Tabitha arrived in the world on July 7, 1996, the hottest day on record that year. It was most oppressive of all in Room 305 of the Salt Lake City Hospital where Tabitha's mother had been for the past 35 hours waiting for her daughter to be born.

     "Quite a stubborn little thing, huh?" said the doctor as he examined Tabitha's mother.

     Her mother managed a weak smile, beads of sweat trickling down her face.

     "I feel like I'm in some sort of battle with her," she said.

     An hour later, the struggle was over and Tabitha had lost. She entered the world kicking, screaming, and thoroughly annoyed. Her mother wanted to hold the infant in her arms, but thirty-six hours of labor had left her exhausted and she instantly fell asleep. The nurse wrapped the howling baby in a soft blanket and took her to the nursery, where she continued to howl and thrash about, kicking the blanket off her tiny body. The nurse replaced the blanket; Tabitha kicked it off. This went on for two hours until the nurse, exasperated, gave up and let Tabitha lie naked in her crib. The baby howled with glee. Her second battle had been a victory.

     The shouting from the bathroom was getting louder. "Do you know how much money they cost?"

     "Yes, I know, but she didn't do it on purpose. I don't think she realized it would ruin them."

     "Like hell she didn't!"

     Tabitha shuddered at the sound of his voice. She listened closely for increases in volume, in anger, for signs he might be approaching her room. She was safe here for now, but what if her mommy couldn't calm him down? She wasn't the only one who should worry. What if Jacob got in his way? As she huddled behind the bed, Tabitha wondered where her little brother was and hoped he was in his room, too. When her daddy got angry like this it was bad to be near him. It didn't matter if you were the one he was mad at to start, he'd turn on you anyway.

     Jacob was five and didn't understand how to deal with their daddy or with most situations for that matter. He wasn't very smart or very interesting, but she liked him enough. She was proud to have a little brother, though only because it made her a big sister. Big sisters are very important people.

     Tabitha was four years old when her mommy announced that she was going to have a baby. She didn't remember being excited about it, probably because she didn't know about big sisters then. The day her mommy brought Jacob home, Tabitha was sitting on the floor in the family room, watching Sesame Street and chewing away on a bucket of chicken wings.

     "Honey, this is your new baby brother." Her mommy beamed.

     Tabitha tilted her head and let one messy pigtail flop over her ear. She wrinkled her nose and picked up another wing.

     "I can't see."

     Her mommy bent down and held the sleeping infant before the little girl.

     "Mommy, I still can't see."

     "But Tabitha, I'm holding him right in front of you."

     "No, I can't see the T.V."

     Tabitha's initial opinion of Jacob wavered between disinterest and disgust. She didn't pay much attention to him except when he was in her way, but luckily that didn't happen too often. Jacob was a quiet baby, much unlike Tabitha had been. As an infant, she would howl in her crib every night, sobbing that her mommy and daddy had left her alone in that whitewashed, flowered cage. When no one responded to her pleas for parole, baby Tabitha took it upon herself to set herself free. Her mommy didn't look too surprised when the tiny girl came tottering into her bedroom, though she did make sure to lower the crib mattress the very next day.

     Four year-old Tabitha had one criticism of Jacob, however. "He smells funny," she told her mommy who simply shook her head and smiled.

     Before long, though, Tabitha's disinterest in Jacob turned to mild amusement and even pride. Because of Jacob, she was a big sister and, as her mommy told her, that made her a girl with responsibilities. She could do lots of grown-up things, like push Jacob in his bouncy swing when he was crying, make her own bed, and, in Tabitha's opinion, watch grown-up movies.

     "Okay, sweetie, Mommy and Daddy are leaving now." Her mommy leaned down to kiss Tabitha's cheek. She smelled like Saturday night. As soon as her mommy stood up, Tabitha wiped the sticky gloss off her cheek. "And Tabitha, remember what I told you."

     Tabitha crinkled her nose and gave her best fake puzzled face.

     Her mommy leaned down again and whispered, so as not to embarrass the little girl, "No staying up past your bedtime."

     As soon as her mommy and daddy were out the door, Tabitha turned to her babysitter with a big, gap-toothed grin. "I can stay up extra late tonight."

     Her babysitter's eyebrows went up.

     "Mommy told me just before she left," said Tabitha.

     Her babysitter shrugged and blew a bubble with her gum.

     At nine o'clock, bored of playing alone in her room, Tabitha wandered down to the den. "What are you watching?" she asked her babysitter.

     "A scary movie," she said. "It's not for you."

     Tabitha scowled. "What movie?"

     "Poltergeist. Really, Tabitha, go back upstairs."

     Tabitha climbed onto the couch beside her babysitter. "I want to watch Poltergeist, too."

     Half an hour later, Tabitha didn't want to watch Poltergeist anymore. Her babysitter carried the panic-stricken girl --who was getting far too big to be carried, especially by a fourteen-year-old-- up to her bedroom.

     "I'll be downstairs," her babysitter said. "I'll leave the hall light on, too. Just go sleep." She paused. "And next time, don't lie to me about staying up."

     Tabitha managed to fall asleep quickly. Unfortunately, she didn't manage to stay that way.

     "Aghhhhh!"

     The light flew on and her mommy came rushing in. "Tabitha, sweetie, what's the matter?" She sat down on her daughter's bed.

     Tabitha was sitting straight up, hot tears rolling down her cheeks.

     "It's in my closet," she said.

     "What is?"

     "Bolder Rice." Tabitha hiccuped.

     Her mommy fought back a smile and stroked her daughter's hair. Her Saturday scent floated in the air and wrapped itself around the little girl. Tabitha's breathing slowed.

     Her mommy got up and opened the door to the closet. It was empty.

     "There's nothing here. See?"

     The little girl was still shaking. She had wrapped herself in her blanket like a cocoon.

     "Lie down and close your eyes. You'll be fine."

     Tabitha nodded meekly and did as she was told. Her mommy stood in the doorway for a moment watching her. Finally she went back over to her daughter's bed.

     "Would you like me to stay with you until you fall asleep?" she said.

     Tabitha's eyes shot open and relief flooded her face. She nodded quickly. Her mommy lay on the bed and Tabitha snuggled against her, breathing deeply. She scanned her bedroom with a fresh bravery, daring Bolder Rice to show his face. But Bolder Rice never reappeared that night and Tabitha slept soundly without waking.

     Tabitha crouched breathlessly on the rug as the arguing from down the hall intensified. A lump formed fast and thick in her throat. She needed an escape.

     She stood up and tiptoed to the window. It was two stories high overlooking the backyard. Not an impossible jump, she thought. She could easily pop the screen out, that wasn't an issue. The only problem was the deck, which sat directly below the window. If she jumped at an angle, she could clear it and land in the grass. But if she missed and landed on the unforgiving wood, she was a goner for sure. She examined the deck once more and calculated the best way to jump. Even if she made it, where would she go? Her daddy would be down the stairs, outside, and after her in seconds. She'd have to run somewhere and fast. This required a plan.

     Tabitha carefully made her way back to the bed to think it through. The floor creaked and she froze, her heart throbbing. She listened for a moment, but nobody seemed to have heard her. She knew it was ridiculous to think that they would hear her footsteps from all the way down the hall, but you could never be too safe. If she called attention to herself it would only make the fighting worse and then something very bad might happen.

     Something very bad happened when Tabitha was in the first grade at East Salt Lake Elementary. It was a warm April evening and Tabitha's new friend, Lily, the blond girl whose family had just moved in across the street, was over to play. They were camped out in the family room under a makeshift fort that the darker girl had constructed using her bedspread and four dining room chairs.

     "Do you want to have a sleepover party at my house?" asked Lily.

     "Sure," said Tabitha. She stuck her head out from under the fort and toward the open door. "Mooooommmy. I'm sleeping over Lily's!"

     Tabitha's mommy appeared in the doorway and looked with displeasure on the state of her family room.

     "Not tonight, sweetie."

     "Why not?"

     "Just not tonight. Some other time, I promise."

     Tabitha scrunched her nose and studied her mommy's face. "But why not? What's the reason?"

     "Because I'm telling you no," she said and left the room.

     This was not good enough for Tabitha and without a reason why she couldn't, she decided that she was most certainly having a sleepover party at Lily's house. The two little girls snuck upstairs to Tabitha's room and, under instruction from the raven haired girl, began stuffing clothing under their shirts: sweaters, socks, bathing suits, shorts, whatever would fit and be necessary for a fun sleepover party. Tabitha wasn't sure what that included since she had never actually been to a sleepover party, but she figured it was better to be safe and bring as much clothing as they could.

     "What if your mommy sees us like this?" asked Lily.

     Tabitha thought for a moment.

     "We'll tell her we're pregnant," she said. After all, girls had babies, and since they were girls, they could be pregnant.

     Lily nodded, impressed with Tabitha's plan, and thrust a velvet skirt underneath her T-shirt.

     The girls tiptoed downstairs, past the kitchen, and out the front door. It was an easy getaway, since Tabitha's mommy was on the phone in her bedroom and her daddy had not come home from work yet. As soon as they were outside, they broke into a run, wobbling back and forth, clothing falling out from under their puffy bellies as they dashed across the street. It was nearly an hour before Tabitha's mommy noticed she was missing and sent Tabitha's daddy over to confiscate her.

     When he got there, Tabitha was already safely hidden in Lily's closet. She had dragged Lily inside with her because she didn't trust her trick playing abilities. She couldn't risk being given away. The two girls huddled in the darkness trying hard not to make a sound. Tabitha crouched down, closed one eye, and peered through one of the slatches in the wooden door. She could hear his thunderous footsteps coming up the stairs.

     "Tabitha? Get out here this instant!"

     Lily started to giggle. Tabitha quickly put her hand across her mouth.

     "So help me God, Tabitha, I'm not kidding."

     The footsteps got louder. Tabitha could see his arms through the door as he entered the room. His hands were clenched in two tight fists. He looked around, under Lily's bed, and then approached the closet. Tabitha knew she was about to be discovered.

     "Boo!" she said and flung the closet open wide.

     Her daddy jumped back, startled. When he regained his composure, a wave of anger passed across his face. Tabitha searched his expression, looking for some appreciation for the brilliance and humor of her plan. There was none. Instead, he raised his arm and smacked it swiftly against her cheek. His gold class ring clucked against her jaw and she fell backwards. Before she had a chance to recover, he grabbed her by the arm and yanked her out of the room.

     "Ow," she said. Tears slid down her cheeks. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm coming home, just let go of me. Please," she said. "This hurts!" She clung to the hallway railing with her free arm and tried to loosen his grip.

     "This hurts? Well maybe you should have thought about that before you ran away and hid!"

     Pain seared through Tabitha's left limb, but indignation proved stronger than physical sensation. He had no right to treat her like this. She closed her eyes, blinked back the tears, and twisted her body away from him with such force that it broke his grip. Her arm stung, and she rubbed it gingerly as she moved back.

     He advanced quickly, like a tiger pouncing on its prey. She tried to run back into Lily's room but he caught her and hit her with the ringed hand again, this time directly above her left eye. His face contorted, twisted. He didn't look human. She managed to dart around him and took off down the stairs and out the front door. She didn't stop running until she was home.

     Her mommy was standing in the kitchen with her arms folded across her chest.

     "When I tell you not to do something, you'd better listen next time."

     Tabitha's face reddened and her eyes burned with anger and tears. She couldn't speak. The front door opened and her daddy walked in. Tabitha ran up to her bedroom and stood by the door, straining her ears.

     "What did you do to her?" she heard her mommy ask.

     "What did I do…? You sent me over there to get her."

     "She was hysterical when she came in." There was a pause and Tabitha held her breath. "What happened?"

     "What happened?" His voice was getting louder. "I brought her home, that's what happened. Don't you think she needs to learn discipline?"

     She heard her daddy find a new victim.

     That was the last time Tabitha fought back. She wanted to protect her mommy, but when her daddy saw her, it only made him fly into a deeper rage. For some reason, it also made her mommy angry, too. 'When your daddy is yelling, you need to stay away from him,' she said. 'I don't want to see you outside of your bedroom, do you understand?' Tabitha had been insulted by this, but she didn't want to make her mommy angry. She didn't want to be around her daddy because he could hit hard when he was mad, but it was just the point of it. Her cheeks had burned indignantly but she nodded her head yes, she understood.

     From the other room came a loud bang. The floor beneath her rattled and the voices grew louder. Tabitha wanted to bolt to the window, but her body turned to stone. Her muscles tightened and she kept her head between her knees.

     "I'm going to teach her a lesson."

     "No, please!" said her mommy. "She didn't know."

     "Get out of my way."

     "No," she said. "Don't touch her."

     There was a momentary pause and then the eruption came. A few thuds, a loud crash, and then, the most terrifying noise of all, a high-pitched shriek. Tabitha scrambled to her feet. Her cheeks were hot. She raced to the door and flung it open. She knew what was about to happen.

     "Mommy!"

     Her mommy yelled from the bathroom. "Tabitha, get back in your room!"

     But it was too late. Tabitha knew that. The footsteps pounded down the hallway to where the little girl stood indignantly, trembling in front of her door. Tabitha closed her eyes tight and, though she began to wail, didn't feel much after the first whack. Her body tensed, bracing for each subsequent blow. Her daddy hollered as he hit her, but Tabitha couldn't hear what he was saying. The words and sounds all blended together into noise. Piercing, angry noise. Finally, her daddy wore himself out and the blows ceased. The heavy footsteps receded down the stairs and the front door closed with a bang. Tabitha opened her eyes. Her tiny body stung.

     She heard the comforting sound of tires zooming off into the night, and Tabitha breathed a small sigh of relief. She went back into her room and picked up the white bear. The door creaked open and soft footsteps approached. Her mommy came and crouched in front of her.

     "Hey sweetie."

     Tabitha stood quietly and stared down into the carpet.

     "Tabitha, are you all right?" She spoke delicately, as if her voice might do more damage.

     The little girl didn't say anything; she kept rocking herself back and forth slowly, hugging the white bear tight against her chest. Her mommy leaned forward to smooth the top of Tabitha's ponytail and the little girl pulled away. There was a long pause.

     Finally, her mommy said, "Why don't you come downstairs now? I'm going to make dinner and I could certainly use someone to help."

     Cooking had been forbidden since the time Tabitha made egg-yolk popsicles that very nearly sent Jacob to the emergency room. Tabitha lifted her head and saw her mommy's wide eyes searching her face. A purplish bruise was developing under her mommy's left brow.

     "I'm fine," Tabitha said and it was all she could manage. She held her mommy's gaze, and her mommy nodded hesitantly.

     A lump began to well once more in Tabitha's throat, though she couldn't place why. Her daddy was gone, at least for now, and he would probably be calm when he came back, at least until he got mad again, anyway. Tabitha studied her mommy's face for a few moments longer and then, without saying anything else, went into the bedroom next to hers.

     Jacob was sitting on the floor, crashing Tonka trucks into the log house she had helped him build the night before. He barely looked up when his sister entered the room.

     "What are you doing, Jake?" she said.

     "Playing."

     Tabitha was dumbfounded by how unfazed he seemed. He's so used to it, she thought, still clutching the white bear in her arms.

     "Can I play too?" she asked.

     Jacob nodded. "But you have to be the red truck. I'm the blue one because I'm a boy."

     She agreed and set the white bear down against the wall in front of them. His black eyes supervised coolly.

     Tabitha sat beside her brother as he continued to demolish their creation, yelling "Kerplunk!" every time more logs toppled to the floor. She picked up her truck and began to play, too. Tabitha's mommy entered the doorway and stood watching her children in silence. Jacob was sitting sideways, crouched on his knees, too absorbed to notice that he was being observed. Tabitha, though her back was turned to the door, could feel her mommy's presence and kept her body rigid. She didn't let herself turn around. Instead she watched Jacob, who was happily making a mess of his bedroom floor, and aided him in his efforts. As she crashed the red Tonka truck into the log house beside her brother, Tabitha's heartbeat slowed and her breathing returned to normal.