cosmeticslog

Note to Self: You are not a "woman of color". Nothing about your appearance conjures up anything but the blandest, most "color"-less, waspiest of effects. Rather, you are a pale and sallow-toned quasi-albino. Under no circumstances should you utilize a product geared toward women of anything but featurelessness.

What, then, gave you the idea of purchasing Pantene's Relaxed & Natural™ shampoo & conditioner? Was it the frizzies or the breakage? Was it the potential male suitor's comparison -- seven years ago -- of your hair's texture to "straw"?

Was it the sudden realization that SEVEN WHOLE YEARS AGO you were TWENTY? You were twenty and you had hair down to your ass, and you could take a shower and walk around with it wet all day and it would air-dry perfectly without frizzing up? You were SEVEN YEARS YOUNGER than you are now, your hair was essentially perfect, and yet a whiskey-breathed boy staggered into your room one night to inform you that your hair felt like straw in between drunkenly professing his undying l'amour pour toi? Is it because, at the time, you cared more about your hair being deemed sub-par than any of the sweet, whiskey-scented nothings being whispered into your ear, thus your punishment of SEVEN YEARS' bad hair luck?

Or is it simply because you've tried every other shampoo and conditioner available, and, apart from a $20 half-ounce bottle of for-use-in-salon-only Rusk™, they all suck ass?

Either way, don't try this at home unless you're clearly a woman of color, regardless of how many tragedian boys have failed to come up with polite descriptors for your locks, unless you're prepared to spend multiple hours scouring down your mane with the soon-to-be-invented neutralizing Pantene Antidote, scheduled for release upon discovery of its mention here.

Keep in mind that by color here, I don't mean near-albinism. And by discovery of its mention here, I mean at least 20% of all profits.