Fiction |
Ex-New York City Mayor Giuliani is shortly to address the nation as ice continues to fall from the Empire State Building in an all-out attack on commerce and business by Mother Nature. With President Bush being air-lifted to Florida in case any ice from Manhattan should make its way into the oval office, the Vice President in an undisclosed location, and the current Mayor Bloomberg searching for a pack of unfiltered Pall Mals as the stress has sent him back to smoking, Giuliani is the only trusted leader left to calm the fears of the nation as pieces of ice continue to fall from the sky. It's been a three-step, carefully plotted-out act of terror. Due to the cold weather of the past week followed by a warming trend, ice that had been deposited on the Empire State by Mother Nature earlier this week is now beginning to fly off in large chunks due to the high winds Mother Nature is also producing. We go live now to the Houlihan's on the ground floor of the Empire State Building to hear what Giuliani has to say: "The situation now is frightening, but I refuse to stay hidden in my previously undisclosed location to divert Mexican guerillas from trying to kidnap me. America needs Giuliani and Giuliani is here for you," says the former mayor to his city, whilst sipping the Manhattan he's been swirling. "Mother Nature has systematically set up this situation. For weeks she's plotted and planned this as we went about our lives, unaware of the icing attack we'd soon be under. She must be stopped. She will be stopped. Currently, we are requesting that donations of blow torches be delivered to Times Square, as police personnel are preparing to melt all of the ice. "Our police officers continue to be the bravest in the entire world, standing up to two blocks away where quarter-sized pieces of ice have flown within inches of them during the past day. They are doing a great job allowing only office workers who belong in the areas in and out of their buildings. These office workers are demonstrating with each step how brave and strong New York is as they dodge up to half-dollar-sized pieces of ice. "I'd like to commend the office buildings in the area for their employee i.d. program in which each worker within blocks of the Empire State is now required to have an i.d. which shows where they work. Without this program, we would not know who to let go to work and force hundreds of office workers to stay away from duties they eagerly wish to carry out on behalf of the city, the country, and humanity alike, regardless of pay rate. "We will open midtown again. We cannot lose another day of revenue from the world's largest panties store, Victoria's Secret, my favorite shop in the area. We will open again, probably around the time that Tara is writing this piece of satire. "I have talked to the pussy-assed, I mean, current mayor about my plans. And courtesy of his long-awaited nicotine-fueled reverie, he's finally chilled out enough to agree I should be mayor again... only until 2004, when I will become king, I mean, president. And during this time we will build the world's largest dome over the Empire State building to prevent Mother Nature from ever harming this great city again. "We are requesting that all New Yorkers -- be they from Manhattan, Brooklyn, the Bronx, Queens or the other borough -- donate money so that the world's largest underwear store never again has to lose a day of business. By pulling together as New Yorkers we will go forward, against Mother Nature and for sexy underwear." Tara Cullen, as inspired by the events of early January.
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