Toothpaste by Rachelle Street

my freshman year in college
a boy in my literature class compared
knowledge to toothpaste squeezed from a tube
once out, it is nearly impossible to put it back
that is the way we are about each other’s skin

we pretend not to notice our hands easily slip to hips
our fingers automatically intertwine
it is a coincidence our legs know how to wrap
our breath lingers too close to earlobe and clavicle
we are fighting each other and losing

we use words like sleepy and warm as excuses
to stay in bed a few minutes longer
when touch becomes too intimate too sexual
we act embarrassed like it was an accident
when shoulder became head hold
when bone and flesh pressed into each other
when we could not resist inhaling each other’s scent

we use words like friends and platonic to describe our relationship
act like we’ve forgotten the taste of sweat on lower back
the feel of pulse on that soft spot behind the knee
the comfort of being curled into one another naked

we try not to notice when palm quivers on belly
resisting the magnetic pull of desire
i want to push your fingers into my cunt
say look at what you’ve done to me
wrap my hands thick in your hair
pull you into me scream we are beautiful

for now we play this game
denying intimate knowledge of flesh and heart
acting like hands never slipped under cloth
lips never lingered over jaw line
fingertips never explored tiny crevices

we tell each other it is normal to have
toothbrushes at each other’s apartments
laugh and say none of my exes ever had one
blame slow late night public transportation for the necessity
of sleeping over again
ask out of politeness if we should leave the room
when the other gets dressed in the morning

this is our ritual
this is our game
our i don’t remember what you look like naked game
our i don’t want to kiss you right now game
our isn’t it amazing we can still be friends game

we don’t acknowledge we are both keeping score in our heads
deducting points every time touch induces warmth
adding points every time lips are diverted
watching eyes to see who is winning at the moment
who will cave in that evening
who will betray the forgotten knowledge of toothpaste and skin